Take the “Should” out of it…

Is the word “should” a regular part of your vocabulary or thoughts? 

I once saw a counselor who challenged me to remove this word from my vocabulary and thoughts when it came to accepting some very difficult circumstances that were going on in my life and were producing anxiety.  She was trying to teach me that our ingrained thoughts and thought patterns can produce expectations that can be directly responsible for our own anxiety or unhappiness about situations that are beyond our control or about other people that we cannot change.  How we think about things and categorize them in our minds can produce negative outcomes for us if we refuse to view them in a different light. We can end up with that “stuck” feeling and an inability to move forward in a healthy way from situations that are out of our hands and with people whom we have no control over. In extreme cases we can start to think thoughts like “I can’t handle this” or “It’s so awful, I can’t go on”.

I started taking mental note at how much I put the word “should” in my thoughts about people and situations and it dawned on me how much this little word controlled my feelings and behaviors.   I realized that if I thought someone “should” behave a certain way or say a specific thing or think a certain way I was entering a world were expectations lead to a mountain of disappointment that would leave me bitter and unhappy, worried and full of anxiety.  These lovely feelings would then lead me to behave in ways that were not very empowering and I would get a feeling of hopelessness.

If you have ever been in that place, you will know that it is very challenging to get out of it.  So how do you get unstuck?

My first challenge was to remove the word “should”.  So, if I thought someone “should” behave a certain way I would catch myself and change my thought pattern to something more like this: “It would be nice if this person acted like this or that, however, there is no rule or law that says they must behave in this certain way so I will remove the “should” thought that I have placed on them.”  This was step one for me which was getting the word “should” out of my vocabulary or thoughts when it came to people or situations beyond my control.  I started recognizing how much this little word controlled my view on people and situations and quickly saw that we place all sorts of expectations on people and situations without even realizing it.

My second challenge was less comfortable. Now that I had removed that little word that was causing so much distress in my life, I had to ration with the feelings that were left.  So, if I now allowed the person or situation off the hook from my “expectation” or the “should”, then I was left with this thought: “The fact that this person is not behaving in the way I would hope or wish is sad, disappointing, angering and even hurtful.”  Step two was to acknowledge these feelings and yes even sit with them for a short time before any action on my part.  Sitting with them was important.  It meant that I wasn’t trying to get rid of them, avoid them, shove them down or change them.  I was simply allowing natural feelings of disappointment to be present.  This was a healthy way of acknowledging some hurt that was coming up.  This was very uncomfortable and yet very necessary.

My third challenge was to take my own power back.  See, when you put an expectation or a “should” on someone or a situation, you relinquish all personal power because you cannot change anyone else ever and you cannot necessarily change circumstances at certain times.  Your power is lost when you “think” you can do those things.  So how do you get your power back?  Your power returns when you start to take ownership of your own thought processes or patterns and of your own responses and behaviors.  I started by reviewing where things stood now.  I had a situation or person whom I had no expectation on because I removed the “should” in my thought process.  I acknowledged that their actions were hurtful to me and sat with the feeling that surrounded this hurt.  From there I was forced to look at the fact that even though this situation was uncomfortable it was not unique in the feelings it produced as I had experienced hurt feelings many times to some degree or another in my lifetime so far and had never died from those feelings and had somehow got through them.  This was evidence that I would be "ok" and that I did have the power to make it out in one piece and forge on.  I saw that it wasn’t the end of the world even though it hurt or was uncomfortable.  I saw that this feeling would pass and that I had the ability to overcome it.

Lastly, my final challenge now was to change my behavior or reactions if the same person or situation presented itself again to me.  In the past, that would produce anxiety, but now that I dropped the “should” and survived the aftermath I was encouraged to handle my reactions differently.  Sometimes this involves standing up for yourself in a loving way towards someone (so to be clear, not in a spiteful way), sometimes this means putting boundaries in place with someone to protect yourself, sometimes this means not reacting by allowing the person to just be who they are (and not judging them for their faults), and other times it may mean taking care of yourself by focusing only on what you have the power to control like ending an unhealthy conversation with someone.   It’s about reviewing the healthy strategies that will work for you.  It may take some trial and error to figure out the best approach in each situation.

I want to point out that this is a life long process and in my experience, I have drawn on this technique many times to challenge my own thought processes when I start to get that “stuck” feeling. 

Here’s some questions I often ask myself:

Am I placing a “should” on this person or situation?

Where is the rule or law that says this person or situation “should” be the way I think?

What are the feelings that are coming up in me?

Can I pause for a short time to allow myself to feel these feelings?

Even though the feelings are uncomfortable, can I handle them?  Have I handled them in the past?

What can I do differently in the future to handle this person or situation?  How can I react, what words can I choose to say or not say?

How do I want to react or behave or feel?

What is the most loving thing I can do for myself, the other person or situation in the future?

A CHALLENGE for YOU:

I challenge you to remove the word “should” from your thoughts about people or situations and to put the focus back on what you do have the power to change which is only yourself, your words, your reactions, your behaviors.  You may be amazed at how much power you really do have!

Happy New Year!

Sheri