FORGIVE AND BE FREE

Is there someone you need to forgive but you aren’t sure where to start?

Are you feeling stuck or held back by your inability to forgive someone?

I could be talking about a person in the present or in the past or possibly even yourself that you need to forgive. 

Did you know that unforgiveness is an unnecessary burden that holds you back?  It can hold you back from experiencing and being who you are truly meant to be and from your true purpose in life.  Imagine if you had no pain or hurt on your soul and you were simply free to just “be”.  What would you “be”?  Would you “be” patient? Kind? Understanding? Happy? Peaceful? Balanced? Gentle and loving?  Would you “be” bold and courageous?  Fearless?  Would you “be” outgoing? Friendly?  Open to love?  Accepting of yourself and others?  Would you “be” non-judgmental?  Would you “be” filled with faith and hope?

Unforgiveness infects the heart and troubles the soul.  It prevents healing and holds us back from freedom to “be” who we are meant to be.

So, you may wonder where to start.

I can offer some steps that have helped me.

1.  Stop Justifying and Complaining

Are you justifying your anger or complaining about your circumstances or what’s been done to you?  This action will keep you stuck for sure. 

2.  Go from Victim to Victory!

Are you nursing those wounds too much?  Feeling sorry for yourself?  Talking your sad story to anyone who will listen?  This could be what is keeping the pain alive in you.  You are giving it attention!  Maybe more than it deserves.  Ask yourself “why?” Does the person who offended or hurt you deserve this much of your attention?  I think we both know the answer here.  I am not saying that sharing your hurts or talking about your pain is not part of the healing process, but I think sometimes we can go overboard and it can almost become our “crutch” to not forgiving. Let go of this crutch when it no longer serves you.  Start telling people how you are healed and how you learned or are learning to forgive.  Ask yourself, “how can I inspire someone who is hurting like I was to forgive and be free?”  Share and let go is something I practice.  I have written my next children’s book on this premise because I believe that many of us if we are lucky only learn the first part – to share our hurts, but we don’t learn that critical second part – the letting go – which is part of the forgiveness process and helps us to move forward.  That means a shift from our “sad story” to our “happy – I am ok story”.  Are you alive?  Then you survived.  Now live in Victory not as Victim.

3.  Be Difficult to Offend

Do you get hurt easily or offended at the little stuff?  This will mount up resentments and anger in you faster than my dog Duke would steal my niece’s turkey sandwich from her little hands (trust me – he’s fast!).  Try being “quick to forgive” instead.  When someone offends or hurts you – forgive quick.  I know this is hard and I know that I too have spent countless nights wide awake upset or stewing about a hurtful comment or criticism from someone.  It takes practice and it takes effort and sometimes it takes imagination.  I like to imagine those hurtful comments or criticisms like water slipping off of a ducks’ back.  I don’t allow them to penetrate into my heart.  I also recite these words – “I am difficult to offend and quick to forgive”. 

4.  Accept Others and Drop the Pride

Forgiving someone means we have to accept their faults and not let pride get in the way.  Pride will step in and tell us things like “I can’t believe that person would say that, I mean who do they think they are?  I would never treat someone that way.”  The truth is that as long as you are focused on the fault of another you are focused on something that is not within your power to change.  We all have “faults” that make us put our foot in our mouths at times and say things that are hurtful or demeaning and sometimes we even do it without knowing we hurt someone else.  Focus on your own words or actions and make sure those are in line with how you feel you should be treated when dealing with others.  Sometimes we can’t forgive because we are so focused and stuck on the other person’s faults or shortcomings which we have no control over.  It’s better to forgive the person and shift your focus onto yourself to make sure you don’t repeat their mistakes or that you yourself aren’t hurting others with your words or actions. 

5.  Walk Away BEFORE Regret has a chance and Old Hurts Surface

Sometimes we are stuck with a person who constantly hurts us or offends us.  I am talking about the family member you can’t just cut ties with (or throw off a large cliff) or the “ex” who is the parent of your child or children for example.  Most of us have one person that triggers us and drudges up old hurts if we let them.  So, you may already have some past hurts brewing which need some forgiveness work and which you may not want to add to (so keep applying the other steps I outline).  Ask for the wisdom and grace to know when to walk away from these situations before they become volatile to prevent further hurt or regret.  Your regret may come in the form of “I wish I didn’t say that” (because you may have acted out of anger which is not in your best interest) or “I wish I would have walked away before he/she said that” and the damage is done.  When triggered, ask to be blessed with responses and words that are gentle, kind and compassionate or peaceful.  Stay calm and stay clear of situations that you know will not bring out the best in you because you are working on your forgiveness and limit your time with people that trigger feelings of unforgiveness, anger and resentment.  I am not saying to “avoid” everyone and everything just to keep yourself safe from hurt.  That is not reality nor recommended.  Learn to know when you need to walk away out of love for yourself or the other person.

6.  Avoid Revenge and Retaliation

Acting upon or even thinking thoughts of revenge to someone who hurt you keeps your wounds open and fresh.  This kind of thinking or action can lead us to become just like our offender.  Do you want to be like them?  Keep yourself from passing on offences and forgiveness will come easier.

7.  Stop Keeping a Tally

Stop keeping track or tallying all the little offences or misdeeds of others.  This will only feed resentments and prevent peace from entering your heart.  Start each day with a new slate for yourself and those around you and drop your expectations that others are going to act or behave perfectly towards you.  Remember – you can only control your words and actions each day, so that is your focus.

8.  Say Healing and Positive Affirmations and Take Action

Sometimes healing involves repeating to yourself what you actually want to be feeling rather than how you may really be feeling.  If you are trying to heal and forgive, you may want to come up with a list of phrases to say to yourself.  I like to use “I am” statements because they are in the present tense which make me feel like I am already these things even though I may or may not quite be there yet.  It may be something like this:

            I am calm

            I am difficult to offend

            I am operating in love, peace and understanding

            I am balanced and free

            I am free from anger, bitterness and resentments

            I am quick to forgive

            I am able to forgive and bless others

            I am accepting of others

            I am an inspiration to others

            I am ok

            I am living in victory

Sometimes the forgiveness process beckons us to take an action.  If we have offended someone and need forgiveness – ask for it.  If someone close has recently offended us and it’s going to be healing for your relationship, then state your feelings or confront the person.  I would only do this if my heart was sure this would be healing for all involved.  Sometimes people are open to or need to hear when they have hurt us because they are actively working on the relationship and it’s important for us to be honest with them.  However, other times the person may be completely oblivious that they hurt us or not even care.  Know the difference because you can get hurt twice if you don’t.  Remember this and it may help, forgiveness is not about the other person – it’s about you and your healing.  Forgiveness is the thing you need to do for yourself so that you can move on and be free and if you make it about them you are missing the point.  If you do the loving thing, you are doing the right thing.  Is the loving thing to confront?  Is the loving thing to say “I am sorry”? Is the loving thing to silently apply forgiveness to the person though some to the steps I suggest? Or is the loving thing to simply say “I forgive them and I am letting this offence go now”. What is the loving thing you need to do for yourself?

9.  Pray for the Offender and Bless them

I know the last thing anyone wants to do is pray for someone who hurt them.  I know this is the hardest thing and I know you may think that praying for them to be hit by a bus is the right kind of prayer, but unfortunately that will only keep your heart in a state of unforgiveness.  Maybe instead, pray that they will not hurt anyone else as they have hurt you, that they will learn to have peace and love in their heart and that they will learn kindness through examples put in their path.  Also pray for yourself and that you will heal quickly from your pain and that you will be given opportunity to experience true peace and freedom through the forgiveness process. 

Final thought:

When we practice forgiveness in instead of staying angry or resentful we set ourselves up for new possibilities, new hope, new visions for our life and we become free to become all that we are meant to be in this life.  We experience peace.  Don’t let old hurts or anger stand in your way by placing bitterness on your soul or by making you into someone you don’t wish to be.  Be offended less and forgive others quickly.  I encourage you to do the work it takes to experience the peace and freedom that forgiveness offers.

On the journey with you,

Sheri