Are ASSUMPTIONS getting you into trouble?

Have you ever had a time when you thought someone close to you like a friend was upset with you because you hadn’t talked in a while?  They hadn’t reached out or returned your calls or texts and this may have got you stewing over your last conversation thinking you did or said something wrong.  Or maybe a new colleague at work is giving you the cold shoulder even though you have gone out of your way to be friendly.  You don’t know why so you start drawing up all sorts of assumptions and explanations maybe starting off by thinking the new person doesn’t like you or is just plain rude.

You’ve weighed in your assumptions and you feel pretty strongly that you are correct in both scenarios. Now you start to drive yourself a little crazy maybe even elaborating on the original assumptions or over analyzing until you have yourself feeling completely rotten inside about yourself and the other person.  You may even look for supporters of your assumptions by fishing for opinions from third parties to see if what others say or think line up with your assumptions.  The whole experience is draining, time consuming and non-productive, but you seem eager to stay the course.

Then one day, the phone rings – it’s the close friend you thought was upset with you and they begin to tell you about how terribly ill they have been, that they had a terrible infection they had been fighting for a few weeks now and almost ended up in the hospital.  They felt so sick that they had no energy to call.  You feel terrible for your friend.  Or you walk into work one day and your boss calls you in to the office and gives you details of a funeral home and asks you to contact the local florist to send a sympathy arrangement on behalf of the company for the new colleague who just lost their sister to cancer.  Your heart sinks.

You find out you were completely wrong in every respect with your assumptions, so much so, that you now have to deal with your guilt and embarrassment on top of all the useless turmoil you already subjected yourself and a few third parties too when you decided to go fishing for support of your theories.

We have all been in this place many times, making assumptions about things, situations and people we know nothing about or have any right to draw up inaccurate conclusions on.  We draw others into the drama hoping for validation as we continue to stew over our hunches.

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called “The Four Agreements” which is a practical guide to personal freedom and in it one way he states we can have personal freedom is to not make assumptions.  He suggests the following:

“Don’t Make Assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”

It’s also useful to put the shoe on the other foot and think of how you would feel if you were having a rough time and others made incorrect assumptions and conclusion about you and your situation.  You may feel pretty upset with this, especially if it created unwanted rumors or drama behind the scenes as you were dealing with a personal issue. 

Are you making an assumption right now about someone?  STOP!

What you can do instead...

Instead of living on your assumptions, try using compassion, direct communication, patience, love and acceptance.  If you did do something wrong, let them know you are sorry and ask for forgiveness.  If that’s not the case, just continue to be kind and friendly and secure within yourself.  Seek the truth, not the distorted reality you come up with because of your own internal struggles, insecurities or judgements.

Assume the best in everyone first until you have reason to believe otherwise.  Never forget that each person’s perception is unique in the world and we are all living in many different realities simultaneously as a result.  Don’t assume you know everything because chances are, you know less than you think!  Be humble, ask questions and seek the truth of the matter instead.

Assume nothing,

Sheri