BECOME A VIGILANT PARENT…

Becoming a parent does not require any prerequisites, special degree or education.  It doesn’t even require a security check, background check or moral check.  Almost anyone can become one and yet we have heard this phrase so many times, “Parenting will be the most important job you ever do”.  So, if it’s the most important job we ever do, why is there so little emphasis on preparing or becoming educated for it?

Parenting is not only the most important job, it’s one of the toughest especially when it’s not going as you would have hoped or as planned. 

As parents, grandparents or caregivers, we have such an amazing opportunity and responsibility to shape the future generation which in turn will shape the world we live in.

To be a parent these days, one must be extremely vigilant.

Here’s some helpful tips that can be applied at any stage, the younger the better, but it’s never too late to start:

1. Educate yourself – Join a parenting support group or if you have little ones, find and attend a local drop in center where you can meet other parents and let the kids play. Support is important!  Find some good parenting books from trusted authors (ie. Barbara Coloroso).  Take the time at any stage in parenting to learn more and get educated.  Each stage of parenting presents its own challenges and staying educated at each stage will be important.

2. Provide a Safe, Happy, Home - Provide a safe, loving space for kids to be themselves free from judgement, criticism and fear.  Children need to know their home is a stable environment that they can depend on for love and security. 

3. Be consistent with expectations.  The worst thing we can do as parents is become inconsistent in our parenting.  This sends mixed messages.  Two parents contradicting each other is also a mixed message and sets the stage for kids to become confused and manipulate situations. 

4. Make sure the expectations match the child.  Sometimes we put big expectations on little people and we forget that they are growing both emotionally and mentally.  Also, what works for one child may not work for another.  Each child is unique. Apply what makes sense for each child at each stage. 

5. Promote kindness to each other and within your home.  Keep kindness at the forefront of how you speak to them, how they speak to you and how everyone in the home treats each other. This means using good manners and being courteous and gentle towards each other.  Name calling, bullying and intentionally hurting someone either physically or emotionally has no place in a home that promotes kindness.

6. Model gratitude and teach (not demand) them to show it to you and others. If you work on this early with them, they will spread their gratitude around when they are with others and have the ability when they are older to see the good in all situations.  The ability to see the good first and be grateful is so important. It starts by parents reducing their own complaining and when their child complains, refocusing them on the good.  Focus as much as possible on the good and say out loud all the things you are grateful for.  You can even make this a nightly practice with your child by making a gratitude journal or just listing the things that you were both grateful for that day.

7.  Filter the world for them where you have the power to do so! – They will no doubt be witness to swearing, crude talk, bad behaviors, and all sorts of terrible things we wish we could protect them from. It can’t be stopped, but if their foundation is good and strong, then they will not waiver (or at least really think twice) in their core beliefs of what is right and what is wrong.  They will develop an internal guidance system that will allow them to quickly sense when something is wrong.  This will give them the ability to avoid gravitating near bad situations and will help them make good choices in friends.  A very small example of this would be to filter what you have the power to filter.  This includes TV shows, internet access, internet rules, and respect for social media privileges.  Don’t sit on the couch and watch programs with inappropriate content and then turn around and expect them not to repeat the words or actions they have been subjected to.  Watch that stuff on your own time or better yet, dare I say don’t watch it all!  The drama on TV these days is so shallow and catty, how can any of it possibly teach your child how to be in this world?  Find out what influences you have power over in your own home and start there.

8. Have regular fun and spend quality time together and while you’re at it, maybe teach them a skill or two.  Family game time or baking and cooking together are great ways to have fun and spend time together.  It can also be as simple as a walk or bike ride together.  Kids don’t have a high expectation on us like we may think.  They don’t need expensive outings that break the bank and leave your pocket empty.  They just really want our devoted time and attention.  That’s all.

9. Encourage them to speak up and not follow the crowd – embrace their uniqueness.  Encourage them to dream and to take part in activities that allow for their creativity to emerge.  Encourage them to take healthy risks and do the things that make them happy so they build self-confidence,  independence and learn contentment.  Encourage them to communicate and open up to you about their day, friends and things that are important to them.  Remain neutral and non-judgmental when they open up to you. Resist the urge to jump in and try to solve their problems for them and instead practice listening and encourage them to come up with solutions on their own to challenges they face.  Sometimes all kids want from us is to just be listened to and encouraged in a positive way.

10. Show them how to be giving.  Any opportunity you have to teach them to give freely to others, do it!  Have them pick one item a week at the grocery store to put in the local food bank bin.  Or have them go through their clothes or toys or stuff and make a bag to donate.  Help them bake something for a person who is lonely.  Sponsor a child their age and learn together about another country’s hardships, customs and way of life and have them write letters or draw pictures to send.  Brainstorm ideas on how they can help someone in need and then help them take action!

11. Leave your own baggage at the parenting door!  We often have no basis for how to parent other than what our own experiences have taught us.  This can be especially damaging if we come from an abusive childhood.  If you truly want the very best for your child, then you yourself must become your very best version.  This may mean some hard work on your part to let go of your own childhood issues and patterns you were taught by your parents.  Getting help to heal from your past is crucial and the first step if you want to present your child with the best in life.  You cannot give what you don’t have.  Children look first to their parents for behavioral cues on how to cope and conduct themselves in the world.  Parenting from a place of fear, anger, sadness or unforgiveness will not help your child and may cause unwanted family cycles to repeat themselves.  Even if your intentions are good, your methods may not be.  If your parents weren’t perfect (like most!), then it’s likely that you are carrying with you some bad patterns and baggage that your child doesn’t deserve.  Get the help you need to be the best parent possible.

12. Work on your own attitude.  They often imitate what they see – especially the younger ones.  If mom or dad is angry all the time or has fits, they are more likely to be the same way.  If your child is acting out or behaving in a way you aren’t pleased with, rather than looking at them, look in the mirror and see what your own attitude has been like.  It can often be quite revealing. 

13. Watch your own words and behaviors – they are!  They are keenly watching and listening to everything you do and say.  Watch how you talk about yourself and others.  Avoid gossip at all costs.  Home is where they learn this!  School is where they practice!  Or vise versa, but no matter which way it happens, don’t let your home embrace this type of behavior – but it starts with you.  If you slip up, correct yourself quickly.

14. Apologize and do it right away – When you make a mistake, own it and go and apologize without waiting.  This will be priceless in the future.  Trust me.  If we never admit when we are wrong, how will they ever learn to see when they are?  How can you expect a child to acknowledge and say, “I’m sorry” when they’ve done something wrong if you never do?    Forget the pride, forget who’s right or wrong, own your part every time and say “I’m sorry” and mean it.

15. Give them wings – Support them, their dreams, encourage them and prepare them for independence at every step of the way.  Even if you wish they would do things your way, they won’t all the time and that’s ok. 

16. Pray with them – Exposing children to the power of prayer is an important step in teaching them to develop a faith-based life.  A faith-based life allows them to live with hope and know that they are never alone in this world.  That there is always a divine spirit leading them and directing their paths towards truth and love.  Teaching them that God is love is a simple way to start.  Prayer doesn’t have to be fancy or repetitive.  Prayer is just a personal conversation with God.  It’s asking for his guidance when we aren’t sure, thanking him for all the good things in our lives and accepting his forgiveness when we make mistakes.  These are all good things for children to learn.  This will never be a wasted effort, even if they decide later on as a teenager not to participate.  You have still planted the seed.

With no prerequisites and only our own past experiences to draw from, it’s important that we become more than curious about how to parent our children.

We have to be very vigilant and diligent with this great responsibility of shaping the next generation. After all, when we grow old, who do you think will be taking care of us?

Happy, healthy parenting!

Sheri