WHY AM I NOT HEARD?

Do you ever feel like no one is listening to you?  Maybe it’s a particular person that never acknowledges what you say.  Or, on the flip side, have you ever had someone talk to you only to forget a few minutes later what they said? 

We’ve all heard this phrase before, “communication is key”.  Communication is a complex topic when you really dive into it.  So many factors affect our ability to communicate effectively such as; the words we choose, our emotions, our audience, our tone, our body language, our facial expressions and so on.  However, one of the most important components of effective communication involves our listening skills.  Listening skills are crucial because one of the most frequent complaints people have when communicating to others is that they don’t feel listened to or heard.

Whether you’re interested in becoming a better listener or you just want to understand why you never feel like you are heard, understanding what affects our listening skills can help bring some clarity on the subject.

What affects our ability to listen or be heard?

WE HEAR PEOPLE WE LIKE:

Our ability to listen is deeply affected by our attitude towards someone.  A negative attitude towards a person can cause us to tune the person out and not hear everything or anything he or she has to say.  We risk misinterpreting by drawing our own conclusions about what the person meant and open the door to taking words out of context.  Our judgements and assumptions about the person get in the way and we are unable to acknowledge and validate them. No matter how positive, encouraging or factual the persons words may be, we will only hear what we choose and will likely interpret what the person says negatively.  The opposite is true if we like the person and think highly of them.  In this instance a person can almost say anything even if it’s off the wall or goes against our own values and we will hear it favorably.  We may even defend them!  We seem to give our ear to people we like or respect and activate our “selective listening” on those we don’t like or respect.

WE ONLY HEAR OURSELVES:

Our own pride also affects our ability to listen to others.  When we think we are better than someone else, more knowledgeable, more educated or have better ideas we often shoot people down in our own minds before they can even finish their point.  We are too high on ourselves thinking we know best that we dismiss the ideas and opinions of others.  This causes others to feel unheard and unacknowledged in our presence.  In addition, we miss out on valuable ideas, different ways of doing things, new concepts we wouldn’t have thought of on our own and appear insensitive.

WHEN WE ARE NOT WELL, WE CAN'T LISTEN WELL:

Our mood and physical health can also affect our ability to listen to others.  When someone is in a bad mood, has a headache or is tired from lack of sleep, all the senses are affected.  Stress or fear can often cause us to lack the capacity to really listen to others.  When we are feeling drained by the day or worried about something, we lose our focus on the moment and the people in it.  We can end up having conversations we don’t even remember or may say regretful or hurtful things because we aren’t at our best emotionally or physically.  At times like this, our ability to fully listen demands more energy than we have to give. 

WE CANNOT HEAR WHAT WE HATE:

Intolerance, biases, prejudices and prejudging people will definitely affect our ability to listen.  When we refuse to accept our differences and embrace each other’s uniqueness, we are unable to give people a voice to feel heard.  We cover our ears so to speak or look the other way because it’s too uncomfortable for us to accept the contrasts between us and simply drop our judgements.  When we have already prejudged the person before they even speak due to our own personal hang ups, hates and prejudices, we will lack the compassion needed to give them our attention and validate what they say.  It’s a cruel way to live and treat others.  This is often the breeding ground for racial divides and discrimination.

TOO BUSY TO LISTEN:

Are you overloaded and busy all the time?  Busy people often lack the time or patience necessary to really listen to others.  This is troublesome because many times it can damage our personal relationships.  Relationships deserve our time, patience and undivided attention in order to flourish.  When we become too busy our heads fill up with to-do lists, tasks, meetings and we get so caught up in what we need to accomplish next that we can’t be present in this moment long enough to listen to the people around us.  We may even inadvertently say “yes” or “no” to people’s requests without even gathering or hearing all the details only to end up highly regretful later on. Simple conversations become cumbersome and people feel rushed in the presence of our busyness.

WE HEAR WHEN WE AGREE:  

Have you ever disagreed with someone?  Believe it or not, but when we disagree with someone we sometimes shut down and stop hearing anything they have to say.  We may even interrupt them before they are finished speaking.  Our ears shut and we become stubborn to really listening to what the person has to say because we become so focused on proving them wrong and proving ourselves right!

WE ARE IN A HABIT OF NOT LISTENING:

Our past, how we were raised, our culture and our learned behaviors and habits often shape our listening skills.  We may have grown up in a home where you had to shout to be heard or where you were shushed every time you wanted to say something.  You may carry with you wounds from the past that affect your ability to give undivided, non-judgmental attention and to really listen and validate or acknowledge others when they speak.

IT'S OUR OWN FAULT:  

It’s easy to see where we ourselves and others go wrong when it comes to developing good listening skills, but did you know that sometimes you yourself are the cause of someone not listening to you?  Yes, we can all take the personal blame for not feeling heard sometimes.  Are you a chronic complainer or gossiper?  Many times, we aren’t heard by others and it’s our own fault.  Sometimes we are the culprit and we need to recognize that in order to be heard by others, we need to properly communicate.  I will save the details of this for another blog, another time and simply say this; if you are always talking negatively, blaming others for problems, complaining about everything, are argumentative, constantly talking about the past in a non-constructive way or gossiping and spreading rumors you know to be hurtful or false, eventually people will stop listening to you.  So, do yourself a favor and starting listening to yourself when you speak!  It may reveal the very reason why you don’t ever feel heard by others!

How to become a better listener….

AGREE TO DISAGREE & RESIST THE URGE TO INTERRUPT:

Make an allowance for differing perspectives!  You don’t always have to be right or have the last word.  Listening to someone does not mean you have to agree or are agreeing with them.  Choose to be a peaceful listener.  Hold back from jumping in and interrupting when you disagree with what someone is saying.  Allow them to fully make their point regardless of your view.

USE RESPECTFUL BODY LANGUAGE:

Being a respectful listener means don’t roll your eyes, look at your watch or play with your phone while people are speaking.  Give eye contact and your undivided attention.  Don’t allow distractions to take away your focus.

BE SENSITIVE & USE GOOD TIMING:

For serious conversations, let people know up front if you are struggling emotionally or physically and can’t give them your focused attention.  It’s also important to ask or let others know if the timing is good before striking up heavy conversations.  Give others the time they deserve.  Don’t overschedule or try to cram in heart-to-heart talks five minutes before you have to attend to something else.  Leave space and room so that people don’t feel rushed in your presence.

RESIST THE URGE TO FIX PEOPLE:

You don’t always have to give your opinion or even respond, sometimes people just want to feel heard.  Sometimes our gentle silence or a smile is the best way to respond.  We don’t have to always fix things or have solutions. We may get riled up on certain topics when a person speaks and become anxious to offer our opinions, but often times if we really listen carefully to people, they aren’t seeking advice.

USE REFLECTIVE LISTENING:  

The easiest way to know if you’ve interpreted what someone is saying to you correctly is to simply repeat back to them what they said and your interpretation of it after they have finished speaking.  This acknowledges to the person that you actually listened and interpreted them accurately.  This often clears up any future confusion and communication squabbles.

BE GRACIOUS: 

If you want to dazzle someone with your listening skills, one sure way is to actually thank them for talking to you, for stating their thoughts or opinions and for sharing with you what’s on their mind or their ideas.  Even if you don’t agree!  This act of sincere gratitude seals the need for someone to feel acknowledged by you.

GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT:

Go into conversations always with a fresh start.  Wipe the slate clean for people by not holding the past or personal grievances against them before or as they speak.  Many times, we want to hold on to things, not forgive and prejudge people, but don’t!  Be open.  Listen impartially, with a good attitude and without judgement.

Final thought...

Everyone wants to feel heard.  While we can’t make people hear us, we can become more aware of what affects their ability to listen to us and let these social cues and realities give us a better understanding before we go into conversations.  The best place to focus is on our own power of communicating.  It often starts with the simple act of learning how to really listen and acknowledge others. If we all just started becoming aware of how we ourselves listen rather than being so focused on what we so urgently have to say all the time, we would see monumental changes in our relationships and how we experience the world around us. 

Learning to really listen to others opens doors and opportunities, increases our knowledge, instills compassion and empathy, puts us in the moment, strengthens relationships that are important to us and can motivate and inspire others by giving them validation.  Now, doesn’t all that sound good?

Thanks for listening!

Sheri