Blog - A Thought to Ponder
A Thought to Ponder
Is PRIDE your problem?
Growing up, I distinctly remember pride being taught to me as something positive. I remember early on in my career being told to “take pride in my work”. I mistakenly thought that pride only meant one thing which is to be proud of or pleased by your achievements. I was young and naïve and as I grew older, I started to see how pride could actually pose a huge problem in life if it’s not kept in check.
A little pride is okay when we just want to feel good about a job well done and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it becomes problematic when we overexaggerate our achievements, place too much importance on our own work and do it at the expense of learning to be humble, open to improvement, feedback and growth and at the expense of valuing other’s unique perspectives. In large doses and without humility to balance it out, pride can become toxic and it doesn’t take much for that to happen. Many people like to refer to toxic pride as false pride. Either way you say it, pride is pride and I have discovered that I would rather have a little humble self-confidence than a lot of pride.
Humility and pride are polar opposites. You cannot be humble if pride directs your thoughts and actions. There needs to be a healthy amount of humility in us in order for pride to stay in balance and not become problematic.
Why is pride so damaging?
Pride Blocks Growth and Peace
Pride is a dear friend of “perfectionism”. Perfectionists are often full of pride because they get so caught up in thinking everything needs to be a certain way (their way) or it is unacceptable. Mistakes become viewed as setbacks instead of opportunities to learn. Living this way robs us of peace because we are never okay with anything unless it’s perfect in our minds. In order to truly grow, we have to acknowledge our imperfections and the imperfect world around us or we will be in constant frustration and lacking true peace.
Pride is Intolerant and Judgmental
People with pride are quick to find fault in others. They lack compassion and understanding because they think they know best and they assume that other’s behaviors, preferences or differences are incorrect if they don’t line up with what they think is “right”. A prideful person fails to see that it’s our differences that enrich our experiences in the world not our similarities.
Pride Makes us Defensive to Correction and Direction
Prideful people think they are never in the wrong and their problems are always the result of someone else. Prideful people spend a lot of time trying to change other people’s behaviors, opinions or viewpoints rather than looking at themselves. They miss out on opportunities to learn because they get caught up in defending their point of view or their actions instead of keeping an open mind on how they can improve and work with others in a cooperative manner. Prideful people often have an issue with authority and do not take direction from others well. They block themselves in by refusing to accept the guidance of others who may have their best intentions at heart.
Pride is Reactive
Prideful people are often quick to speak and respond and fail to take the time to allow a more proactive approach by using discernment (which I like to think of as spiritual guidance) and wisdom to guide their words. They always have an answer to everything and they are stubborn when approached and asked to consider a different perspective. The reaction of someone with a prideful attitude often comes off as conceited, inflexible and argumentative.
Pride is Narrow Minded and Blames Others
Pride is an attitude that says “I don’t need anyone’s help; I know best and my way is right” and it never considers other views or opinions. In this respect, it keeps us narrow minded and difficult. With pride we can start to believe that we have nothing more to learn from the people around us and that we are above them in some way. Pride also makes us accusing and harbors unforgiveness because we fail to see our part or own any poor choices or actions that we made that may have contributed to conflicts. Prideful people are constantly analyzing the faults of others and the wrong other’s may have done to them rather looking for ways to create peace. Pride doesn’t acknowledge that we may have provoked our own uncomfortable outcomes. It falsely puts us above other people and it makes us difficult to approach, work with or even be with.
Pride Hungers for Recognition
Pride hungers deeply for recognition and begs for credit even when credit may not be due. It fails to acknowledge the contributions of others and wants the spotlight all the time. When prideful people aren’t acknowledged, they can become disgruntled, frustrated and down. When this happens, a prideful person may become competitive with others and may purposefully spend a great deal of time highlighting their accomplishments to others in hopes of being acknowledged. Pride changes a person’s motive from doing something because it’s the right thing to do, to doing something because they want to be noticed. Motives matter when it comes to pride. For example, prideful people seem to get all puffed up and will openly announce when they give to those in need, they want their name to be seen, the amount they gave and so on, so they will be recognized and acknowledged by others as a generous person. They aren’t doing this to be an inspiration or to motivate others to be generous or simply because giving is the right thing to do. In fact, sometimes they only do it to show their clout. The motive to be recognized becomes stronger than the motive to simply give. A humble person makes no announcement, needs no acknowledgement or recognition to feel good and feels good simply because they know their actions of giving will help another person. Their motive is pure and selfless.
As humans, we are all subject to a prideful attitude and our pride can come in various degrees and under various circumstances. We can all stand to be challenged to deeply examine our actions, attitudes and thoughts to determine the areas in our lives where pride is standing in the way of our progress and how it may be negatively affecting our relationships at home and at work.
How can you keep pride in check?
Ask for Help
Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. When you ask for help or accept another person’s input it opens your mind to other ways of doing things, allows other people’s talents to come forth so you can learn from them and be challenged with new ideas you otherwise wouldn’t have thought of on your own. Asking for help also shows your willingness to work with others and accept their contributions making you a true team player. Humility teaches us that we can learn from even the smallest of sources or circumstances, from the everyday events and from other people no matter the person’s background, culture, age, accomplishments or lack thereof or a person’s life status.
Be Helpful and Kind
Just as you need to learn to ask for help, you equally need to learn how to offer help. A humble person will help out regardless of the task. Nothing is beneath them. They do not think too highly of themselves that they cannot do menial tasks that others might think are insignificant or beneath them. They help where and when help is needed and offer their help to whomever requires it. They do it out of kindness, not for recognition or to keep a tally of all their good deeds. They help without expectation and with a good attitude regardless of who its for or what the task.
Be Slow to Offend and Take Correction and Direction Well
Don’t get defensive and offended when people try to correct you. Change the way you view correction. It’s not meant to make you feel bad, it’s meant to make you better. Don’t assume you know everything and your way is best. This will block you from learning new ideas or ways of doing things. Often times we become offended when people try to correct us because we assume their motive is to make us look bad or make themselves look good. Don’t make assumptions about a person’s motive or you may miss out on solid advice. Don’t be suspicious, be open. People who are open to correction learn quicker and have more wisdom. Don’t be over sensitive and get offended easily when someone points out your mistakes or an area you may need to improve upon. It’s more effective to thank them and then make the necessary changes that will bring out the best in you. Remember, we all have room for improvement.
Own your Mistakes and Apologize
When you have hurt someone or have done something wrong, take ownership and apologize for your actions. Don’t let one moment go by without apologizing if you are in the wrong. Don’t let pride block you from seeing when you are wrong. If you are so busy blaming, you will not be able to acknowledge your part, so instead of looking at what the other person may have done, look at yourself first. Being the first to apologize is what a humble person does. A prideful person says, “I will apologize when you apologize!”. That kind of attitude is really childish. The first person to apologize is often the more spiritually mature person because it takes a humble heart to see and admit your own mistakes and more wisdom to move past the gridlock.
Give others Compliments and Acknowledgement
We often have an inflated view of our own achievements and that leads us to thinking we deserve some sort of recognition when in fact we may not. This can lead to frustration and disappointment when the recognition we seek doesn't come our way. Instead we should focus more on giving compliments and acknowledging the contributions or gifts and talents of others. Be generous with your compliments to others. This makes people naturally want to be around you and takes your focus from a self-centered place to a selfless one. Focus on building other people up instead of being so hungry for attention and recognition. Look for the good in others and then openly acknowledge it.
Put Peace First
Stop looking to prove people wrong. Stop creating drama and discord. Don’t always look for an argument or be quick to prove your point or have your opinion heard. Be tolerant of other’s people’s weaknesses or mistakes. Just as you are not perfect, neither are others. Don’t scrutinize their every move waiting for them to mess up and then be the first in line to prove them wrong or point out their mistake. Allow them to be human.
A humble person wants peace at all costs and will do whatever it takes to attain it within themselves and among others. This might mean you need to step up and be the first to apologize in a tense situation or it may mean you need to accept correction from someone or it may mean you need to allow and embrace another person’s view. It may also mean you need to bite your tongue and let others speak and just focus on listening.
A humble person cares more about keeping the peace than about who’s right and who’s wrong. If that means they need to let some things go for the sake of peace, they are willing to do so.
Be Grateful
Gratitude is a natural remedy to pride. As soon as we become thankful for all the good in our lives and shift our focus to the good in others, pride has no place to settle. Be grateful for the talents in others because you can learn from them. Be grateful for correction because it will help you achieve new heights. Be grateful when people help you and when you have the honor and opportunity to help others. Show your gratitude by openly telling the people around you how much you appreciate them.
Most people don’t think of pride as a problem and maybe in small doses, it’s ok when it’s applied in the proper context like standing behind your work with care and detail. However, pride becomes a huge problem when it turns into a relentless, self-centered quest to prove how good you are by stepping past the talents of others, refusing wise advice, desperately seeking or needing recognition and resisting help and good change. It becomes toxic when blame and perfectionism block your progress and you become defensive, touchy and fault finding. It will hold you back every time and cause you to feel frustrated, unhappy and dissatisfied.
Humility is a beautiful quality that recognizes and celebrates the talents of others, seeks understanding, wisdom and meekness. It places a selfless pursuit and importance on peace. Being humble allows you to be quick to forgive and apologize, slow to take offence and arms you with knowledge on how to correct yourself so that you can be a better person. It allows the views and opinions of others to be expressed openly without judgement or criticism in your presence and considers the approaches of others without argument. It embraces help from others and allows you to be of service to others with a good attitude regardless of the task. Humble people are more approachable, grateful and willing to accept their own mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow making them more successful at having a happy life.
I will end with this…most of my lessons have come from the most humbling source, my children. Just when I think I am their teacher; I find myself a student. Just when I think I know best; I discover I still have so much to learn. Never underestimate where humility will come from.
Stay open, stay humble,
Sheri